Game 14: Pat Riley - Riley's Roll — Goldstein and Gasol

I got my first gray hairs this year. Three on the right side of my head, two on the left. I keep my hair short on the sides, so you have to squint to notice them. But they’re there, a tribute to two brutal, agonizing World Series losses for the Dodgers in a row. I don’t have any proof that Clayton Kershaw, Kenley Jansen, Dave Roberts, and… Yu Darvish… are the literal root causes of my follicle change. But 2017 and 2018 were two of the best years of my life. I fell in love and got a career-changing job and continued to live the laid back California lifestyle I’ve made famous across the world. The only real stress I had were those two Octobers that started with daydreams of raucous partying down Sunset Blvd and instead ended with me spending a month’s rent to sad walk my ass from Dodger Stadium to my apartment in a nightmare haze. After the last out of game 7, my only hazy memory from that walk home was that Echo Park was on fire, like a dashcam video of a Sonoma County backroad.

When I first spotted them, I welcomed the gray hairs. My hair is easily my best feature. I have thick curly dark brown hair that’s been with me since I entered the world as one of those disgusting babies with a full head of hair. At around six months, it curled into tight locks. For years, until the end of grade school, I was mistaken for a girl all the time. It took many years and some embarrassing styles, including a Jewish Jheri Curl in 8th grade, but I’ve learned how to tame it to do whatever I want. And once I get some salt and pepper? Oweee, I’m not gonna tell the waiter “when.”

Another person with great hair? Pat Riley, the longtime president and sometimes coach of the Miami Heat who first became a style icon as coach of the Showtime Lakers. Every hair on Riley’s head is slicked back with enough product to drown a baby crane. And every hair is kept in place by a combination of product, blow drying, and patience. Even now at 74, Riley has remained loyal to his fastidious routine. His hair has gone from jet black to gray to polar white, but his commitment to his style hasn’t wavered one bit, just like his hair, even during a fiery outburst directed at a referee.

But he didn’t always have this signature ‘do. As a player in the 1970s, Riley eschewed product and grew out his sideburns and ‘stache to go along with his feathered helmet. However, according to Lakers fan Tom Callaway -- profiled in game 10 -- that all changed when the two of them and their wives went to a Gatsby-themed New Years Eve party. Riley slicked it back for the night of Roaring Twenties debauchery. He liked it so much, he did it the next day. And the day after that, until the day he dies. Or even past that. If Riley’s body is ever exhumed, they’re going to find his bony remains with a head full of hair pulled back so tightly that they can see stress marks in his skeletal forehead.

And as long as his surviving family don’t skimp on a coffin with proper sealage, that skeleton will also be impeccably dressed. I’ll be getting into the other part of Pat Riley’s signature look, his Armani suit collection, on Friday for the second back-to-back game vs the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Riley’s Roll

Cocoa Roll:

½ cup sifted flour

¾ cup sugar

¼ teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla

½ teaspoon baking powder

4 eggs, room temperature

Confectioner’s sugar

Almond Vanilla Whipped Cream:

1 cup heavy cream

1 teaspoon vanilla ¼ cup cocoa

2 tablespoons sugar

¼ teaspoon almond extract

Grease, line with waxed paper, grease again and lightly flour a 15 ½ x 10 ½ x 1 inch jelly roll pan. Sift together flour, cocoa, ¼ cup sugar, baking powder, and salt. Beat eggs in large bowl at high speed with electric mixer. Gradually add ½ cup sugar and beat until thick and lemon colored. Fold flour mixture into egg mixture.

Evenly spread batter on jelly roll pan and bake in 375 degree oven for 10-12 minutes. Remove from oven, loosen sides, and immediately turn out on towel. Starting at the narrow end, roll cake and towel together, place on rack to cool.

Prepare almond vanilla cream: Place all ingredients in a chill bowl and whip until thick.

Unroll cake, fill with whipped cream mixture, and roll up again, leaving end of roll on the bottom. Spring with confectioner’s sugar. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

Riley’s Roll has the honor of being my first Goldstein and Gasol disaster!

It started at 4:45pm (cue the music). I was prepping the flour mixture so that everything would be in the oven by the time the Lakers game against the Bulls started at around 5:10pm. But I made a last second Google search: Baking soda vs Baking powder. Turns out they’re named differently because they’re different things! None of the three corner stores at Hollywood and Normandie had baking powder, so I drove to Jons during rush hour traffic. Following 15 minutes in line with my one item, I finally made it back home during the 2nd quarter.

But we had friends coming over at 7pm to watch the 2002 PG-13 erotic thriller Swimfan, so I had to rush. I made both the flour and egg mixture and folded them in. Everything seemed fine, until I realized my jelly tray was 17 inches long and not 15. After dumping the mixture, I did my best to make a semi-rectangular shape and put it in the oven for 12 minutes.

Onto the cream. This is the easy part, right? A cup of heavy cream, 2 cups of sugar, and vanilla and almond extract. Whip until fluffy, Riley said. But it never turned fluffy. I added a tiny bit of corn starch and Half and Half to thicken it, but it remained wet. So I put it in the freezer to chill. When I took it out, it was slightly whippier, but still too runny. Turns out it didn’t matter.

I took out my thin sheet of chocolate cake and rolled it up. I took a few nibbles and it was clear it needed something more… more chocolate or more sugar. Too late, though. Once I let it cool and unwrapped it, tiny flecks of wax paper were freckled all over the cake. With a mediocre tasting cake covered in wax paper and a “cream” filling that was better suited for my coffee, I pulled my starters and emptied the bench.